Times Are Changing, So Why Shouldn't I?

Each time you were down,
I helped your feet but then,
Just as soon as you were ready too,
You left me on my own again.

Coz time after time I keep changing my mind,
And I can't get myself over you.

When you lied that you love and swore promises you couldn't keep,
How I tried to believe you& nbsp;but my tears they just cut so deep,
And I can't get myself over you.

The moment you leave me, the moment you're gone (It's gone)
I don't think that I could last another minute, (with you)
But when we're together something so strong,
And I don't think that we'll ever find a limit.
(What's going on?, what's going on?)

Tonight I know you're gonna beg to stay
But tomorrow you will simply walk away
And tonight i know exactly what you'll do
But come tomorrow I will still be just your fool

Well one year ago today (5/9/2005) I was thrown into the most chaotic and emotional part of my life so far. After all the heartbreak and the feelings and emotion and everything else new that I have experienced over the last year I would have thought I'd have known more about who I am but I'm more unsure of who I really am but I understand myself more now. Totally contradictory isn't it!

I've come so far this last year, have realised what is possible for me to do, what I'm really like, who I really am, who my friends really are, how I truly feel about things and people but yet I am more in the dark than I was a year ago.

A year ago I was so sure I knew who I was but I'm not who I thought I was, I've become someone different, albeit, someone stronger, better and more experienced in this thing we call life, but someone different. I've faced demons and started to trust people again like never before.

Maybe in the next year I'll get what I really want and hopefully I'll have more luck in some things than I have this year.

We spent the night, whilst you held me close and tight
We'd done this before but this time something was different
You meant what you said
You liked what you did with my heart

So don't let me go
I know what I did was wrong
I shouldn't have walked away
You should have tried harder to make me stay
I'm in love with you so
I'm just letting you know
I've made the biggest mistake of my life

Since that very night, we haven't spoken at all
But no lack of effort on my part
You've broken my heart
I might as well be dead...to you

[Chorus]

I want ya to know
I love ya so
I've admitted that it's my mistake, I'm taking the blame
Please forgive me now
I'm now knowing how you really feel
I guess this could be the real thing
So don't let me go...

Your eyes in the dark
Saw straight to my heart
You know how I feel
You begged me to stay
But I walked away
That was the biggest mistake of my life

[Chorus x2]

That night was the best of my life
And now I totally regret
Walking away from you
If there's one thing I won't ever do again
Well that would be walking away from you

Its funny how things work out in the end. If only things had been like they were on friday my life would have been perfect and if they had been like that in the beginning then all the pain in the middle would have been missed out but then again I'm going thru all that pain and hurt again right now because again I have made a mistake that I'm now paying for.

I have made the most regrettable thing ever and the biggest mistake of life and I'll never ever forgive myself for doing it. I'm never walking away from anyone ever again.

These 3 songs describe perfectly how I was feeling and the events of the last week between me and someone who I've fallen for big time but managed to get over them. Basically this is how I felt and I didn't know how to put it so here it is in the form of 3 different songs.

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
Sewn together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore..., anymore

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
                                                                                                   
"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

"Gone"

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hint and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone

2 weeks today until results!! I'm not looking forward to them, I'm not expected any half decent results coz I didn't exactly put the effort in to revise or even keep up with the work and learn it so I guess bad results are what ya get if your don't prepare for the exams. But on the other hand I might have got ok results which would be great.

Here's me going on about results and to be quite honest they aren't that important to me anymore, once upon a time they would have been and I'd have really wanted to do well but now they aren't really a priority. I guess when you begin to live in the real world and experience stuff that you wouldn't expect to happen to you, priorities change.

Yasmin comes back in less than a week, I can't wait, I'm so excited to see her. We're gonna do so much (hopefully) and she'll be there when I get my results as well so if they are really bad it'll all be ok coz she'll be back here.

So what have I been up too that I can write about?? Well as its the holidays I've spent most mornings in bed, most afternoons watching TV. Pretty boring. I always complain that the holidays take so long to get here but they pass me by so quickly and I guess thats the reason, if I actually do something it won't seem to go so quickly.

Yesterday I got roped in to help out at Cartmel show which was quite good, the chefs were a couple of muppets but it was a laugh and it was something to do.

So what is the answer?

After so long believeing that this would never happen it suddenly happens out of the blue, but is it too late??

I've finally got over someone and now they begin to show something towards me. That is so typically them! Once I've moved on, they come back, but I'm already gone.

When I first found out that they now liked me, I laughed it off and thought it was ironic, I thought there's no way I would get into a relationship with them now, but its been a weight in my mind and maybe things have changed now.

I guess its too late, I've moved on and there's no going back, even if my dreams have come true, they are just too late.

I've finally learnt to say...
Whatever will be will be,
I've learned to take the good, the bad, and breathe,
Coz although, we like, to know what lifes got planned,
Things like that are never in our hands,
No-one knows if shooting stars will land.

Its officially the summer holidays - I've waited so long for this just for some 'me' time and its not that great, I don't wanna be on my own right now, I wanna be out there hanging out with my mates and doing mad stuff.

Its only about 2 months until I go to Geneva and its my 18th!!!! I can't wait its gonna be a great trip, one massive piss up abroad!

A tip for everyone - Always look on the bright side of life! Things seem so great recently since I actually listened to that bit of advice and not just dismissed it as another cliche or whatever it is.

Just come back from a buzzing Bio trip. It was fab, ok the work was kinda shit (we painted snails one day!!) but the nights were great, getting pissed most nights, making drunken remarks about people, and having fun with some great people who I never really had spoken to alot before. I never realised horses could have caused so much laughter between about 20 people!! lol, And the amount of bullshit that was said in those few days was enough to fertilise the Gobi desert! Trust me there was lots all due to our good horse-y friend Chaantelaimy! lol.

Long time since I last blogged!! So how are all you guys?? I'm great, I've moved on from past experiences and that chapter of my life is now closed, although it will always be there I'm not gonna let it affect me the way it used to.

Only 3 days til I go to Alnwick (sumet like that) and not really looking forward to it, I guess that Biology fieldtrips aren't that exciting to me. It'll probably end up being a great trip but just not looking forward to it. Lets just hope that its warm and sunny!!

I thought I heard you whisper
Between the broken light
I turned to see, to see you fade away
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Just how you could be gone
And tell me why forever couldn't stay

Remember never walk away, never walk away we used to say
I thought we were here to stay, guess we had to go our separate ways

After goodbye
I remember you
You'll always be a part of me
I'll hold on too
And after goodbye
No matter what I do
I'll never be that far away
I'll be there for you
Even after goodbye

I still feel every teardrop
I keep them here inside
But I always thought, I thought that we'd get by

Remember never walk away, never walk away we used to say
I thought we were here to stay, guess we had to go our separate ways

After goodbye
I remember you
You'll always be a part of me
I'll hold on to
And after goodbye
No matter what I do
I'll never be that far away
I'll be there for you
Even after goodbye

I'll always remember
With every step I take
The dreams that we shared
I'll never let them go
I'll hold them forever more
I swear

After goodbye (goodbye)
I remember you (I remember you)
You'll always be a part of me (a part of me)
I'll hold on to (be a part of me too)
And after goodbye (goodbye)
No matter what I do (do)
I'll never be that far away
I'll be there for you
Even after goodbye

[For Naomi]

Now that love has gone,
Where do I belong,
Is it right or wrong,
Look at me now.

Suddenly I know its time to say goodbye,
Finally all by myself I feel alive,
I can't live a lie,
No reason to cry,
So now its time.

(To say, to say, to say goodbye)

I got the job at Halfords which is great, I started on Sunday and it was brilliant, everyone is mad especially Chris! I'm actually looking forward to work for once - wierd!

So how's you all?? Exams start on monday - not good.

Not much happening in my world lately, hurt my knee, fell down the stairs at school, well I had been drinking about 10 mins before. Got no money and I can't seem to get a job. Going on a trip to Geneva in September and Eurovision song contest on tonight. The only two things remotely exciting in my life in the next year, Geneva and the eurovision song contest.

Summer is coming! yay! Its time to leave all the shit that has happened over the last few months behind and start a new me. Summer will be ace, apart from the fucking exams, but I can live with them, only minor problem.

I'm gonna have loads of parties and get togethers this summer and I'm gonna get pissed outta my face and have a good time for once. Its time to stop being so fucking serious and let myself go and just go for it (my mum's words!! I was surprised) So its time to go for it. Everyone old talks about the summer of 69 well this will be the summer of 05!

I'm gonna stop thinking about others first and think about me for a change, so I'm not longer a walking talking cash machine guy, lol, I'm joking but you know I mean.

Here's to a great summer to come!!

What am I meant to do now?

I met this really nice person recently and they like me and they want to be more than friends. They are really sweet and I know that if we got together we'd be kinda happy. I know that they wouldn't mess me around and they'd be there for me, basically a perfect relationship.

Then I have the person who I fell for ages ago and do still really like more than anyone ever before, but I know that we won't get anywhere. They lead me on all the time and flirt and I really enjoy it, but on the otherhand they fuck me about and treat me like shit when they want too and have me wrapped around their little finger. But they are not over their ex and if we got caught doing out and it got back to the ex then we'd both be fucked. I guess the danger of getting caught makes things a whole lot better, kinda like an affair.

What do I do? A perfect relationship with someone who I know will treat me good, be there for me whenever I need someone and I'll be happy and don't have to worry about anyone else. Or stay as I am now and feel so strongly about someone but not being able to tell them but have the statisfaction that we get on and the flirting etc does lead to stuff occassionally.

Its either happy now and boring later (it seems so perfect its gotta have a flaw somewhere later on!), or be happy all the time and have the danger of getting caught but not actually having the person to be mine!

I don't know what to do anymore.